Following on a suggestion by Jenny at Suscpico , I asked the Holy Spirit to give me a word for this year. To quote Jenny:
“There is a common practice of “Naming” the year by setting aside a word for the year; a focal point to direct our days, weave our weeks together and attach month to blessed month. Just as a North Star, or the straight arrow of a compass will redirect the lost, weary and confused so our word for the year can gently lead us back on the path we have set out for ourselves. All steps are directed by God the Father, but the way in which we choose to walk is up to us.”
The word that popped into my head immediately for this year is Surrendering. It is a verb and not a noun because surrendering is a process, a journey that I have been on for 40 years, since I was 17. I am now at the crux of my journey. This year I choose not to ignore the heavy pressing in of God but to face my fears head on and say yes to Him.
The pivotal point in my relationship to Christ the Saviour is my fearful clinging to control. I have let go of this control at least a thousand times. A thousand times of choosing to surrender fear and lies and trusting in Him. Each time God peels back a layer, another deeper level becomes visible.
A quote from The Catechism of the Catholic Church
1741 Liberation and salvation. By his glorious Cross Christ has won salvation for all men. He redeemed them from the sin that held them in bondage. “For freedom Christ has set us free.” In him we have communion with the “truth that makes us free.” The Holy Spirit has been given to us and, as the Apostle teaches, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Already we glory in the “liberty of the children of God.”
First surface emotions and outer wounds were surrendered and I experienced the joy of allowing Him to set me free. Next were layer upon layer of generational wounds and sins, burdens that I carried that were not mine to carry. In a sense my burden bearing was an attempt to act like Jesus. In my suffering, I was trying to act like a scapegoat to save my family. Only when I became desperately miserable did I let go.
Surrendering seems like a big deal; I resist not out of pride but out of fear. The image that came to mind almost 20 years ago was of a shattered wagon wheel suspended over a deep chasm. All my family are standing on the rim and I am right on the centre hub, grabbing spokes and attempting to hold everything together. And Jesus? Why He is so far away, I can hardly see Him but He is sitting on a throne, leaning His head on one hand watching and waiting for me to allow him to do all the work, to save my family.
Deeper than my experiences, deeper than generational stuff is Adam and Eve, Satan and finally God. God, holding my true self, my true self hidden in God is my centre. I am safe here, at peace, flowing in and through the Spirit. This is where I choose to live. This is the last surrender of my false self and my fears. This is where I choose to live this year, in freedom and joy. I visit this place in the snap of a finger but I only function here for a snap of a finger. This year I choose to stay there, in Him.