Yep, even though it is bitterly cold outside, my heart is burning with fervor and my thoughts are leaping for joy.
At 57, I am in the springtime of a new life. It doesn’t matter that it is freezing outside because inside I am coming back to life.For the first time in 33 years I am alone, today.
My body has not quite caught up to this new reality because as the mother of nine, I was always on call. My ears are trained, listening for the sounds of my children playing, working and sleeping , always ready to soothe or help.
The result is that I am still tense, rushing to squeeze in some time to write when in fact, God has graciously handed me hours of the day where I am free. I am free to write, pray, even relax and enjoy the acres of land the surround our old house.
My body has not yet adjusted because the body remembers trauma for years. Muscles are tense, storing fear in every cell. The subconscious too needs time to unwind long after the conscious mind has grappled with the past, let go of memories and forgiven. Then there are the pre-verbal, non-verbal parts of my soul that cannot be cajoled into coming out of their cave. Any sign of control or manipulation sends them scurrying back into hiding; they take the longest to warm up in the light and warmth of the truth.
Although I have not yet adjusted to solitude and free time, I thank the Lord for this new freedom to start to write again. The walls of ice which imprisoned my writing skills are thawing out. It might be 28 C outside with almost 50 cm of snow but in the study, the wood-stove is burning.
Yep, my heart is burning with fervor and my thoughts are leaping for joy.