joy of nine9

What I am about to explain might seem strange at first but we all know that it is true, we just do not usually talk about it. The body remembers.

The body remembers tension and stress which for me was the stress  of running a household of eleven people. The muscles store tension.

Now that my youngest is in university, body has not quite caught up to my new reality. As the mother of nine, I was always on call. My ears are trained, listening for the sounds of my children playing, working and sleeping , always ready to soothe or help.

The result is that I am still tense, rushing to squeeze in some time to write when in fact, God has graciously handed me hours of the day where I am free. I am free to write, pray, even relax and enjoy the acres of land the surround our old house. The subconscious too needs time to unwind long after the conscious mind has grappled with the past, let go of memories and forgiven. Then there are the pre-verbal, non-verbal parts of my soul that cannot be cajoled into coming out of their cave. Any sign of control or manipulation sends them scurrying back into hiding; they take the longest to warm up in the light and warmth of the truth.

Confession helps. Spiritual direction helps but usually it simply takes time for the body to catch up to reality, the reality of changed circumstances both in our outer and in our inner lives.Because I am going through major life changes as well as tackling my own inner issues, my body is tense.

So my small success this Thursday is that I shook myself out of trying too hard to relax!! That has to be the most ridiculous thing to do..trying to hard to relax.! That thought is oddly reassuring and relaxing because only time and the Spirit of God can bring me to deep rest and deep peace.

Every day I taste this rest that is mentioned in the book of Hebrews  a bit more.

Although I have not yet adjusted to solitude and free time, I  am thankful for this new freedom to start to write again.